I’m Glad I Got Hurt

BY Becca Rose

As I began the transition between high school and college, I lost many things all at once. My dream college, what I wanted for my future, connections, routines, familiar surroundings.

I also lost my best friend.

It was one of those classic things. There were mistakes on both sides, and we were young. We dissolved awkwardly and in stages – have you noticed these things are never a clean break? It was messy and silent all at once, and it hurt. Very much.

But what I got out of it was the very, very best possible outcome. One that I can now say helped me grow so much into the person I am today, on the verge of beginning another transition out of school and into the adult world.

You see, we had been planning on going to college together, rooming together, living out that “best friends for life” dream. When our friendship ended, I was moved into a different dorm room with random roommates. Being the control-freak that I am, I was, let’s just say, concerned that I would have to be sharing a room with three complete strangers.

I shouldn’t have worried.

That room transfer turned out to be probably the best thing that’s happened to me in my adult life thus far.

As I struggled to get to college, I grew extremely close to a girl in my room via email. When I finally arrived, I had a great friend already made who I was able to live with. That stranger turned out to be one of my best friends, and still is to this day. In fact, I’m going to be in her upcoming wedding. It was through her that I met my entire circle of friends at school; in that circle of friends I found delightful people who accepted me almost instantly. I made more close friendships, and felt like I had a tribe of support. We went on crazy adventures and did silly things and generally enjoyed each other’s company as we grew together through our collegiate experience. We fought, we made up, and most of all, we laughed.

If I hadn’t lost the friendship of that one person, I never would have gained the friendship of so many others. If I had gone to college with that close friend, I would’ve felt like my safe zone was already intact. With my personality, I know I wouldn’t have branched out. I most likely would’ve become friends with all her friends, and possibly never would’ve become close with the women whose relationships I treasure today. These ladies have become my closest confidantes, and have helped me make critical decisions and weather huge storms. They’re the ones I call at four in the morning crying. They can make me laugh when I’ve had a horrible day. I refer to them as my “Home Team”. We’ve all scattered across the country, and I rarely get to see them face-to-face these days. Regardless, we’ve kept in touch and I would be lost without their friendship.

Even though it’s been almost four years, I can still feel the twinge of pain when I think of that broken relationship. But if I had the choice, I’d go through it all again, because what I gained was so, so worth it. I wouldn’t trade these ladies in order to save myself from being hurt. They’ve made me a better person. The experience of being hurt by a close friend made me a better person as well. In a way, I’m grateful that the universe allows us to be hurt, to experience moments of great pain. I’ve often noted that becoming a better human being is a process that you can always tell is happening, because it always hurts in one way or another. I am grateful for my mistakes and my old wounds, because I have learned and gained from them in ways I never would have been able to imagine or predict.

I’m grateful I was hurt. Through that process, I received the gift of life-long friendships and community.

Becca Rose is currently studying English with a writing specialization and has high hopes for all her student loan debt. She writes about grappling with faith and feminism at bookwormbeauty.com and tweets far too much @bookwormbeaut.

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Comments

Anonymous

When my ex left after adopting two kids (then ages 2 and 3) and fourteen years together, I was crushed and I thought I would never recover…but within a few months, the tears began to dry and I began to smile, in earnest, for he first time in a long time. My family welcomed back “the old me” with joy and I became a better mother and more importantly, a better me. I fell in love, a real all-encompassing crazy, scary kind of love. I am now blessed with an amazing husband, my children have a devoted stepfather, and our family welcomed a new baby girl last year. I am so thankful my ex left and I thank God my life is a peaceful joyous place to live now…
- Becca Rose
  
  That is really amazing so often the pain is necessary to receive the blessing!
Julie

I definitely hear what you’re saying about finding yourself when you are left out of your comfort zone. I, too, had a similar experience with my best friend in senior year of high school. It wasn’t until we stopped talking that I felt solid on my own and independent for the first time in my life. We quickly made up, though, and I am lucky to still consider her one of my best friends today. However, I am still grateful for the lesson I learned during that time.

There is one thing that confuses me about your story. When you talk about your new roommate/best friend you say “It was through her that I met my entire circle of friends at school” citing this as a positive influence. But when you talk about your old best friend you say “If I had gone to college with that close friend…I most likely would’ve become friends with all her friends” citing this as a negative thing you avoided. I’m having a hard time seeing the difference between meeting all of your friends through one best friend vs the other…what makes one a positive experience and the other a negative experience?
- Becca Rose
  
  Mmm, I totally see how that’s unclear. I think the nature of my personality is such that I usually integrate into already-existing social groups via one friend. I’m not saying that event in itself is negative – what I mean by it is that the type of person I was friends with previously was not a very good influence on me, and had I followed her into her circle of friends, I would have likely been surrounded by the same type of person & it wouldn’t have been a very good influence on my character. Contrasting to that is my experience with my new friend, who challenged me in personal growth – generally, her social circle was filled with people who were similar to that and very kind-natured. So my experience with those two differed in the nature of the individual.
  
  I’m so glad to hear you were able to reconcile! That’s a wonderful outcome.
- Julie
  
  Ooooh, I get it now I’m glad you were able to get in with the right group. It’s such beautiful thing to be surrounded by positive influences.