So when I say I know what I want, regardless of the visual beauty in front of me, I mean it. I will not sacrifice a genuine attraction, and that just does not happen often for me: but I will wait as long as I need to.

I believe that we are, in some ways, conditioned to believe that the person you end up with is not all hearts and flowers, but shouldn’t it be? My mother said to me as a young lady, “You don’t marry your passion.” But I wouldn’t want to marry anybody else. I’m not talking teenage lust (a la Skarsgard)- I follow my heart.

I recall one Easter sitting around the dinning table at a friend’s with her husband and two other couples. I was placed at the head table in true Bridget Jones style feeling their sympathetic eyes on me. I waited for the inevitable “boyfriend” question, which of course came. As I navigated my way through a minefield of questions, it struck me how, actually, I wouldn’t want any of the relationships in front of me. They weren’t right for me.

Love is subjective; no one is “perfect” in reality, but the number of stories I hear along the lines of, “I’m at the age, he wouldn’t leave me, and I can’t afford the flat on my own” I silently reject.

Are my standards too high? I don’t think so, in fact, I think I’m being more real by staying single until I find something mind blowing. Settling for someone who will contribute to the rent, shower me with gifts, always be a bit more into me than I am to him – Real? Absolutely not.

At 35 I have pressing thoughts about babies, too. I adore children and have been broody since 23 but, it hasn’t happened yet. Am I about to panic and find someone, anyone, who will have me? No! Yes, I am honestly a little afraid my eggs are going past their sale-by date, but like everything in life, I know it will happen at the right time.

I guess it goes back to being happy on your own, because if you were surely you wouldn’t settle for a guy that gives you a certain lifestyle? Even more worrying is the belief that you couldn’t achieve that lifestyle on your own. I say it is better to live your life for you and let the perfect person take that journey with you – that’s what I will settle for.

Ultimately, you have to listen to and trust your inner voice, with the emphasis on you. No one can ever tell you what your heart feels and what your life choices should be because they are simply not you. Stay true to your self and listen to your instincts, for they are your instincts so they can never be wrong. Stay strong, and hold on for what you truly truly want!

You’re dating someone new (or you’ve maybe even been dating someone for awhile), and things seem to be going well and progressing nicely when suddenly your love interest starts to pull back a little. Then a lot. Then, before you know it, you look up and he’s gone. Disappeared into the night with the stealth of Sherlock Holmes. No phone call, no explanation- not even a Post-It.

A lot of “experts” will tell you that you could be to blame for a man disappearing on you; you were too needy, too clingy, gave too much too soon– but I’m here to tell you that there are instances when a man disappears for the simple reason that he’s too weak or afraid to tell you that he doesn’t want to pursue the relationship further. Of course neediness and clinginess and giving too much too soon can certainly be factors in the demise of a relationship. However, don’t get caught up in blaming yourself, because at least as often as not, a man vanishes due to his own shortcomings rather than yours.

Here’s the bad news: once a man pulls the vanishing act, he rarely ever reappears. In fact, I’m convinced there’s a remote tropical island somewhere that houses all of our ex-Houdinis. I like to call it “The Island of Misfit Boys.”

But here’s the good news: 1) There are red flags you can look for that will alert you to the fact that you’re dating a Houdini, and 2) There are ways to respond to the vanishing act to ensure that just because your Houdini vanishes, he doesn’t take your dignity with him.

First, let’s look at the warning signs that your Romeo might in fact be a Houdini:

A Houdini typically appears out of nowhere, showing up in your life with the intensity of a freight train or a storm, taking you by complete surprise. The downside of this is that his sudden and unexpected appearance in your life can often trick you into believing it’s fate or magic at work. But here’s what you’ve gotta remember: Houdinis will vanish from your life just as suddenly as they appear.

A Houdini moves at warp speed. Everything about the relationship will feel rushed, from the first time he calls you “baby” to the first time he meets your parents to the first time- and probably last time- he vanishes from your life. As a woman it can be flattering to have a guy who seems so intensely INTO us that he can’t wait to take the next big step; but as the old love song says, “Wise men say, only fools rush in.” Bottom line, most people simply don’t Khloe and Lamar their way into TRUE love. Love doesn’t rush. It takes its time. Infatuation rushes, and most often burns out.

There will come a very obvious and defining moment in the relationship when a Houdini will start to back away. His calls and texts will dwindle. He’ll grow increasingly distant. His sweet lovey-dovey tone will change to more matter of fact and unattached. You’ll noticeably feel the currents shift. When this happens, ladies, the vanishing act is imminent and there’s honestly not much you can do about it. Men who pull the vanishing act typically aren’t mature enough to realize that a simple conversation respectfully ending the relationship is a MUCH kinder, gentler way to make their grand exit than simply dropping off the face of the earth. Or they DO realize it but they just don’t care. Never is a person’s character more evident than at the end of a relationship- and the bottom line is, if he’s the kind of guy who feels okay about just disappearing from your life, you’ve gotta be the kind of woman who loves herself and respects herself (even if he doesn’t) enough to let him stay gone.

Here’s the really ironic thing about the vanishing act that most men don’t realize. At least a decent percentage of the time that a man’s not feeling us, we’re not feeling him either. We ladies are highly intuitive and gut-driven, and we know when a connection is off with a man. So most of the time, the vanishing act isn’t even necessary, because it’s not like we’re going to go chasing after a man we don’t really want, anyway.

For women, the vanishing act isn’t painful because we’re gauging our eyes out or weeping and wailing and gnashing our teeth that a man doesn’t want to be with us; it’s painful because we don’t like being treated as though we are disposable. Frankly, we deserve better. I don’t know about you, but when I close a chapter of my life, no matter how short, I like to do it with respect and dignity. I feel like both myself and the other person is worthy of a better ending than a text message or a vanishing act. However, when that better ending is not available to me, I like to deploy what I call “The Graceful Exit.”

The Graceful Exit realizes that she’s worthy of an explanation, but that she may not get one. The Graceful Exit seeks closure, but not at the expense of her dignity. The Graceful Exit doesn’t cry, yell, bring drama, throw fits, or try in any other way to manipulate a man who doesn’t want her into sticking around.

She makes a solid effort to reach her Houdini in a calm, rational, classy manner and ask for a few moments of his time, either by phone or in person, whenever possible. Why? Because frankly, I think the “He’s Just Not That Into You” culture has given men too much of a pass. We’re allowing men to simply vanish from our lives with zero explanation or accountability, shrugging it off as “Well, he’s just not that into me.” NO. This is not okay.

If a man has been actively pursuing and wooing and doing everything in his power to stir your affections for him for a week or a month or even a DAY…he owes it to you to tell you in a direct and upfront manner when that pursuit is coming to an end. If a friend just disappeared from your life without explanation, you wouldn’t just let it slide, would you? So why are we so quick to do it with a man?

She realizes that once she has done all she can do to give the Houdini a chance to explain himself, and he’s still hedging… the only thing she can do is let it go. The thing is, most of the time a Houdini is a well-oiled machine. He has a “love ‘em and leave ‘em” operation that he’s been running since LONG before he made you his latest target, and “Explain yourself to the girl you just bamboozled” isn’t typically on his to-do list. So if you make contact in an effort to gain clarity and closure and he responds with excuses and evasiveness and shadiness, do yourself a favor and LET HIM GO. You have done your part. You have been every inch a lady, and you’re far too dignified to keep wasting time trying to teach him to be a gentleman.

When all is said and done, a Houdini actually does you a MONUMENTAL favor by disappearing from your life before you could get any further caught up in his not-so-magic tricks. Houdinis aren’t always bad guys- they just haven’t reached a level of maturity that allows them to see that any boy can woo and pursue a new girl every two weeks, but it takes a real man to dedicate himself to just one woman.

After all, the most magical thing about love is that it doesn’t take tricks and pizazz and abracadabra to win a woman’s heart. All it takes is a man who realizes that the catch is even better than the chase.

“What made you decide to be so open about your relationship right now?” “What makes this relationship ‘work’ so much more than your other relationships?” “How can you really be okay with the structure of this relationship?” “Do you feel guilty about prioritizing him over all the other men in your life?”

I am not one for interviews, though. I prefer conversations. From the minute we greeted each other, I knew the questions I had scripted would not be asked as I had written them. Conversations cannot be planned, and talking to a woman as fascinating as Steffans is like driving down a windy road. Don’t try to plan it out.

Steffans has just released her fifth book, How to Make Love to a Martian; the first under her own publishing company, Steffans Publishing. Steffans, a self-proclaimed “Hemingway,” in her writing style, considers herself more of an author than a writer. She claims she is not the celebrity type who decided to write a book, she describes herself as a crazy author, like a combination of Hemingway and Howard Hughes. Writing is her passion, first and foremost, and she truly has a way of expressing her realism through the written word.

I could not wait to get Steffans on the phone to tell her how refreshed I felt after reading Martian. I surprised myself, but I truly meant it. Steffans and I have a similar quality in our brutal honesty, and I am not the type to tell someone, or not tell someone, exactly how I feel about something. If I did not enjoy her story, I would have told her so. As a 25-year-old young woman, I related to Steffans’ story of love much more than I had anticipated. And, according to Steffans, I am not alone.

“I’ve heard that, you know, a lot, and I feel like, as an author, and as a writer, and when this is what you do… this is what you want to hear. And I’ve never heard that before. With all the books, with all the bestsellers, with all the millions of copies, I’ve never heard what I’m hearing with Martian. There’s a huge reason for that, and I know what the difference is, and I’m happy to make the decision to do it when I did it.”

So, what is the difference? Martian is Steffans’ fifth book, but clearly her most personal, for anytime one chooses to write on an extremely significant relationship, it is bound to get personal.

Lil’ Wayne, also known as Dwayne Carter, Jr., is a world famous rap star. I am sure you know his name, since most people do. Associated with some of the biggest names in music, over the past 15 years Carter has made quite a name for himself. Steffans and Carter met a little over six years ago, immediately connecting on a level that has kept them coming back to each other through all of life’s hardships.

Steffans decided to finally write her story of loving Carter partially because she was stuck in a completely hopeless place in her personal life. In discussing the months before Martian was born, Steffans describes the “dark place” she could not pull herself out of, until one day, a person she had been seeing finally pushed her, unintentionally, I am sure, into the light.

The unnamed man told Steffans that she was a loser, going on to cut her deeper than probably necessary. Steffans describes his words, “He was like, ‘You think you’re somebody special because you wrote a book? You’re nobody. You’re miserable, you hate your miserable life, and you’re nothing.’ And he said that to me during a time where I was already feeling just different. I couldn’t write, and I couldn’t perform.”

Being kicked when she was down was something that “broke” her, and thankfully it did. For ten days, Steffans couldn’t do anything. She did not open her computer, or write, or speak to anyone; she lived within her own head. She and her son suddenly moved from their apartment, breaking their lease, and checking into a hotel to escape the inner torture that consumed her. For ten and a half weeks, Steffans “Hemingway-ed” it, found her words, and a few months later, Martian was born. She knew she wanted to write; clearly her dark place was because she had not been able to do so.

Focusing on the phrase “how to make love,” while reading about Carter on the Internet in a room full of smoke, wine, and friends, the title came to her: How to Make Love to a Martian. When I asked Steffans if she had struggled with being as open as she is about her love story, she quipped back immediately, “I never struggle with the truth. I struggle with cryptic shit. Encryption is a road block when I’m writing.”

I concurred, for my writing has been criticized for being “too open” as well, though on a much lesser scale than Steffans- partially because none of my ex-boyfriends have a bunch of Grammys. Steffans went on to admit, “I can’t connect with the words, I can’t connect with myself, I’m not going to be able to write,” when she is not being fully honest.

Talking to Steffans, or reading her words, is like stepping off of an airplane and breathing in the fresh air again. Her honesty is admirable, and real. And those things are pretty rare.

So how do you make love to a martian? Steffans’ book is not about having sex. It is not a how-to; it is not an answer to all of the many complicated questions that will forever surround relationships. It is simply a story, and quite the unfinished one at that. But aren’t the best stories unfinished? How is anyone expected to tell a love story with a conclusion? There is never a conclusion to love. Steffans writes on her intense bond with Carter with such an open realism, anyone who has ever been in love will be able to relate.

The best part of a conversation is what you are still thinking about by the end of the day, hours after you have said goodbye.

When I finished Steffans’ book, the line, “We became each other,” which is written in the first chapter of Martian, was stuck in my head. When I was finished talking to Steffans, ten hours after I had hung up the phone with her, the thing that encompassed my thoughts was the concept of “unconditional love.”

Unconditional love is powerful, maybe too much to ever understand in whole. There are some who claim that unconditional love is only reserved for those who share your bloodline: your mother, your son, your brothers, your father, but perhaps those people have never connected to another human being with such force as Steffans feels when it comes to Carter. She believes in it, though.

Has Carter broken her heart? Absolutely, in fact, he still does it all the time. Does Carter see other people? Yes. Does Steffans see other people? Yes. They both have children by other people; they do not have a child together. There is no white picket fence surrounding a home they own together. The structure of their relationship is unfamiliar, something we are not conditioned to think of as functional, or “normal.” But what is normal, anyway? And why would anyone strive for normalcy, when, as Steffans reminds us, the divorce rate in this country is insanely high.

“Unconditional love is viewed as wrong,” Steffans states. She has taken plenty of flack from her friends about her choice to remain committed, in her heart, at least, to Carter. Her friends will ask her, after a fight, or a heated exchange that leaves Steffans upset, “Doesn’t this change how you feel about him?” Of course it does not change how she feels about him. Steffans relates with the example, “If your husband looked at you right now and said, ‘I don’t love you anymore,’ does that automatically mean you don’t love him?’ Then how strong was that love, and was that ever love?’ Like, ‘I’m going to love you as long as you love me.’” That is what Steffans (and I very much agree) considers “conditional” love, which anyone can have, and most people probably have settled for.

Steffans felt compelled to write this book not just to tell her story, to further illustrate the reason she feels the way she does about Carter, but ultimately, she wrote this book for Carter. “I wrote this book for him,” she says, to let him know all of the things she felt about him in their in-between times, to let him know what he has done for her, what he has supplied her with: strength and happiness.

I will admit, while reading Martian, I was initially a little disturbed. I fell victim to thinking what I am sure plenty of other people think, what is wrong with this girl? She puts up with so much from this man who seems to love her, but not know how to handle that love— what with his unusual career, his other relationships, his busy schedule, whatever it may be that gets in the way of his heart. Their relationship seemed like a double standard. Carter very publicly (like all things in his life) had relationships with multiple other women, but Steffans was not allowed to speak on other men without Carter becoming upset with her. It seemed unfair, like Steffans poured her heart and soul and put her life on hold to be with him, but Carter put half as much effort into their relationship. Everything seemed so backward.

And then I finished the book, and I could not stop thinking about how socially constructed my view on their relationship, and all relationships, is.

When Steffans talks about Carter, either to me, or in her book, (which also felt like she was talking to me), I responded strongly to her words. Her feelings for Carter had me reminiscing about the lack of normalcy in my own relationships. No one believes that a woman can be truly happy in something that is not a roses-delivered-to-your-office kind of relationship.

Because society constructs us to believe that a woman should never settle, and this kind of relationship? We are forced to believe it is settling. But listen to the woman, you guys. Listen to her, and have faith that she just may know exactly what she is talking about. She may know exactly how she feels. She may just be exactly right about her own life.

Steffans is very in tune with her feelings, and she is confident enough to state her opinion as fact. After reading her words, and listening to her describe her experiences, I believe in unconditional love much more than I thought I could. I am still young, and maybe I have had that connection with someone, and maybe I haven’t, but toward the end of the conversation, Steffans said, “When you say ‘unconditional,’ Jessica, think about all of your relationships. Every man you’ve ever loved, it has always been conditional, but there may have been that one person…”

There is that one person.

When Steffans talks about Carter, she says, straight up she will not stop loving him. She will not, she will not, she will not. And the people in her life who are uncomfortable with that will have to remain uncomfortable with it, because she will love him forever, unconditionally.

“As long as he’s there, I’m happy,” Steffans told me, as I started to tear up. Unconditional love is, “not wanting all of someone, all the time. Just knowing that they are there, and knowing that they feel what you feel when you feel it. You can fight, and argue, and fall apart, but you always come back together.”

And when she is asked, “Are you still with Wayne?” Steffans is ready.

“I am always with Wayne.”

“How to Make Love to a Martian” is available for purchase for $2.99 on Kindle, iBooks or Nook. Follow Karrine on Twitter @KarrineandCo.

In all seriousness, he is the great man who has my back  . It’s because of him that I am able to work as hard as I do, to be able to spend the multitude of hours creating, maintaing and furthering my dream to make valuable content for women. It can’t be easy living with me, a woman who is all about equality and has very strong ideas about most things. It takes a strong dude to let his partner be the most they can be, and Nick is certainly that guy.

He’s a perfect addition to our Men We Love section, and not just becuase he’s my hubby- because he’s crazy talented, an amazing dad, and he LOVES and I mean LOVES women.

To make this edition extra special, Nick answered questions from you, our readers.

Would you ever do a solo album? – Giorgia Peach Cameron
Maybe.

What do you do to keep yourself inspired? – Sarah Neal
Sarah, inspiration is like a great porn star — it comes when it wants to. But seriously, I get inspired at random times. Unfortunately, I don’t think I really have control over that shit.

Are you going to do any tours in Latin America? – Irina Tuma
I’m afraid not, my sweet petite. It seems as though The Strokes won’t do a lot of touring for this upcoming album. But don’t get your knickers in a twist — we’ll probably head on down there for the next album.

How does you balance career and family life? – Chelli Herrera
Shit, Chelli, I don’t fucking know! Balance has never come easy for me. This question is more suited to my lovely wife, Amanda.

Why did you choose that guitar? That was what caught his attention? – Brian Pacheco
Oddly, I didn’t even choose my guitar — Albert Hammond Jr bought it for himself, then gave it to me because I didn’t have a guitar to play. What a good friend! Thanks Albert.

Which guitarists are your biggest inspiration? Agustina Avallone
I get inspired more by bands and songs than individual guitarists. The Beatles, the Velvet Underground and Guns N’ Roses have all been big influences on me.

What would you do if you couldn’t play music anymore? – @YOLO_1251
This question makes me uncomfortable because it brings to attention the embarrassing fact that I’m not qualified to do a single thing outside of music. I ignored my mom when she told me I should have a “backup plan.” Sorry mom.

When will the 5th album come out? Will The Strokes come to Asia for a concert? – Charlotte Louis
March 26, 2013. I’m sorry to say, Charlotte, but a Strokes concert in Asia this year is highly unlikely. We won’t be doing much touring.

What music are you into right now? – ‏@catwithinacat
I love the band SKATERS from new york. Also, I’m excited about the new Queens of the Stone Age album.

If given a second chance, would you do this (your life) all over again? Or would you do things differently? – @Rebel_Yellll
I’m grateful for all my experiences, but there’s definitely some things I’d do differently if I could go back with the knowledge I have now.

I mean, maybe that is not entirely true. I had a boyfriend when I was 21 for three months, and I had a (different) boyfriend for four and a half months when I was 24, and I had a boy who did not want to call himself my boyfriend but still slept in my bed every night when I was 23. You know, labels are for “the man,” man. He was way hip.

But. My favorite holiday is Valentine’s Day, and it has pretty much always been Valentine’s Day. A single girl loving Valentine’s Day?

Here’s why:

Valentine’s Day is one of the only holidays that cannot offend anyone in our country. There are plenty of people who do not celebrate Easter, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas or Hanukkah, but even if someone does not actively celebrate Valentine’s Day, it would be hard to find a reason that it offends them. Sure, sometimes single people feel extra single on the 14th of February, but there are plenty of other reasons to celebrate the Day of Love. You love your mother, right? Or your father, at least? Your best friend? How about your boss? Anyone? You must love someone. You at least love the movie The Notebook; don’t lie to me, everyone loves Ryan Gosling. At work this year, I am implementing “old school Valentine’s Day.” All of my coworkers and I have homemade boxes and cute little Valentine’s cards like back in the elementary school days. How cute is that? I am not dating, nor am I married to any of my coworkers, but it is still so lovely, and I still feel so full of love, and by the end of the day, I hope my coworkers, single or taken, all feel the same way I do. Full. Of. Love.

Die Hard is coming out on Valentine’s Day. A Good Day to Die Hard, actually. That’s right, yippee kay yay, Mother Russia. So even if you are not sappy, you can still make plans with Bruce Willis.

Love Songs. Sure, the 14th of February is technically an arbitrary time to listen to love songs, but that does not stop the masses from conforming. Every year, Starbucks sells a love CD, and the cover is adorable, and the songs are always a perfect blend of nostalgia and newness, and you certainly do not have to be in a relationship to enjoy them!

In fact, I would say the best love songs are the sad ones, and if you are happy in love, how do you relate to a sad love song? We should feel bad for these happy couples, swimming around in their love. They do not even know what they are missing, like:

• “I Can’t Make You Love Me” (all versions)
• “U Got it Bad”
• “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now”
• “You Really Got a Hold On Me”
• “Set Me Free”

I mean, come on. Lyrics are always better sad.

You know what else I do not have to do on Valentine’s Day? Buy anything. Like, anything. Last year, the most money I spent was seven bucks— three of that went toward a photo booth with two of my girlfriends, and the rest was for my dinner of a single burrito, a la carte. Best friends, burritos, photo booths, seven bucks, done. I do not have to spend obligatory money on jacked up fancy dinner prices, red roses, or chocolate that tastes like the cardboard box. SINGLE GIRLS WIN.

Plus, the next day, the chocolate is all discounted and you can spend 50% less on chocolate that you know was packaged like…last Valentine’s Day.

You know what else I really love about being single, on Valentine’s Day and any day? Flirting. I mean, I know it is “okay to flirt” when you are in a relationship, but everyone knows that is not entirely true. Innocent flirting is like when a baby looks at you and giggles in a restaurant and his or her parents are like, “Oh, he’s such a flirt!” but flirting that your significant other (I hate that expression, sorry guys) is not okay with is the good kind of flirting. Wouldn’t you rather get out there on Valentine’s Day, split a bottle of champagne at a cute bar with your girlfriends (or yourself, I’m not judging) and flirt with whomever else is there because they are “alone.” Oh, you are not alone, Single Lady.

Think of how invigorating it is to do whatever you want, whenever you want. You may not receive flowers on Valentine’s Day, but soon the flowers will bloom from the trees and out of the ground everywhere you look. Soon, the world will give you flowers. You may not receive chocolate on Valentine’s Day, but you can go buy yourself chocolate any time you’d like. Sure, you may not have a dinner date on Valentine’s Day, but why don’t you save $90, make dinner at home, and watch Titanic?

You know what gets me, though? Just so no one thinks I am superhuman? Cards. I love cards, I love them, and when I see really adorable Valentine’s Day cards/cards about love/both, I can feel that little sad feeling in the pit of my single stomach. Want to know my trick? I buy them anyway. I buy the card, and I save it for the one I find one day worthy. I have about ten cards saved up for my future life partner, whomever he may be. It probably says something that I have never given any of the cards I have to anyone I have ever dated, huh?

Girls, put on your brightest red or pink lipstick, paint your nails to match, put on a skirt, or sweatpants, and hit the town, literally or figuratively.

Or, at the very least, you can always have Kate and Leo.

If you know my family, you know Lizzie, she has been at all significant events in our lives for the last ten years. From being in the studio for the making of two Strokes albums, to staying by my side during the bed rest of my twin pregnancy, moving from New York to L.A., she ran through the middle of interviews on The Conversation when we filmed at my house and protected my kids should anyone approach them in the park.

When people say that pets are a part of the family I know what they mean. I love my dog more than some people who I am supposed to be close to; she only ever loved, greeted, entertained, comforted me when I was sad and kept my loneliness at bay.

Is it usual to hear her barking though shes not here? I think I see her in the corner of my eye, hear her snoring at night in my bedroom. I miss her terribly. I know I must grieve her loss the same as any other and I am certainly going through the expected phases of shock, denial, anger and finally sadness.

How do these creatures who can’t speak with words impact our lives so profoundly and with such deep love?

Doesn’t it make you wonder about all the animals who are killed and eaten by us? These creatures certainly have feelings and spirits, otherwise we would never fall in love with them the way we do.

I want to do something to honor my dog, but I don’t know what. My other animals, our cat Stanley and Ziggie my chihuahua keep looking for her. The whole house is confused. “Where did she go? Why did God make Lizzie died?” asked my son. I don’t have the answer for him, because I’m asking the same question.

I suppose the answer is, because life is hard and unfair and unexplainable and sometimes it just hurts, it sucks and there is no way through it but one day at a time. This is where I am grateful for my spiritual beliefs; they comfort me and remind me that there is more to the day than my eye can see, there is a whole universe out there that no one can explain. Lizzie is just part of the cycle of life and death and her sudden departure is teaching my kids that death is a part of life. I am thankful to be able to have this conversation with them. It’s an important and often scary talk to have, but so necessary.

Thanks for the parting gift Liz, I’m hoping if there is a doggie place of rest that she’s there with all her favorite foods and toys- playing, sunbathing and getting doggie massages.

I would love to hear your stories about a pet you loved who passed and what you did to to celebrate their life.

Rules of a new relationship:

• Just because he raised you, don’t assume you know him.

• Bonds are built on trust. Trust comes from understanding. And understanding takes work. Don’t be afraid to blow up the old assumptions about what you mean to your father and your father means to you.

• Accept- no, embrace- the chance to build the relationship with the first man in your life.

Do you really know your father?

Or do you know the man that fathers are supposed to be? Maybe you know the man you wish he would be.

If you’re like most women, you probably don’t know as much about him as you think you do — and not as much as the opportunity to tap into a mentor and cheerleader and friend as you should. Confusion is natural. And widespread.

You won’t marry Dad; why personal reality beats persistent myth:

Maybe the man you pick will be just like dad; maybe not like him at all. Don’t worry about it — it’s not your unconscious talking, it’s your heart.

Understand that for good or bad, Dad is not the only role model for what you want in a man. He’s just an influence — although an important one — that will help you make your own choices.

A daughter’s relationship with her father was once a “dress rehearsal” for her relationship with men. Women, experts said, typically wanted, consciously or not, to marry men like their fathers.

In theory, a father was the determining influence on a girl’s relational and sexual development. Psychologists even linked a woman’s ability to be highly orgasmic to her father’s encouragement of her “feminine” traits and identity. In fact, women have always been more independent in their choices than assumption (or hope) would have it.

Something to share with your father:

Take this quick quiz to see if you and dad have made a new-age connection. It’s easy. You don’t even have to write down any answers. Just think about the questions. You’ll know what the answers tell you. The question is — what will you do about it?

For starters, you can share it with dad. Where you don’t know the answers, ask. Where you do know the answers, learn more. It can be a great conversation starter. And those conversations can take you to some wonderful places.

Where was he born?

Where all has he lived?

What the favorite job he ever had?

Does he like the job he has?

What was his relationship with his parents?

How close is he to brothers, sisters or other family members?

What would he be doing for a living if he wasn’t doing what he’s doing now?

What are his five favorite movies?

If he is a sports fan, what are his favorite teams?

What is the favorite present you ever bought him?

What is his favorite sports team?

What is your favorite memory with him?

How would he answer that same question?

What is your worst memory with him?

Have you ever talked about it?

What is the funniest thing you ever saw or did together?

What is the saddest?

How are you alike?

How are you different?

What have your similarities and differences meant to your life?

What has he meant to you growing up?

Have you ever told him?

What do you think about him that might surprise him most?

When is the last time you talked — more than an hour, and just the two of you?

What would he say if you said: let’s go for a walk?

What would he say if you said: “Tell me something you’ve never told me about yourself’”?

What would you say if he asked you the same question?

What could he mean to your life that he doesn’t mean now?

How would you change that?

In choosing a mate, what parts would be like your father; what parts would be different?

What kind of man does he want for you?

What do you do if he says something — particularly about your life — and you are in total disagreement?

What happens if that situation is reversed?

If he makes you mad — do you tell him?

Understand: this might take work. You are dealing with hundreds of years of history — and for most of it, the conversations between dad and daughter have been carefully scripted and clearly boundaried. This list can help you take the initiative — recognizing that like all relationships, this one unfolds in steps.

Please let me know if this worked for you and/or you and your dad in the comments section below or via Twitter @DrPeggyDrexler.

This Woman- Featured Photograph

Do not let her warm smile and gentle eyes ease you into thinking she is delicate. My mother is an elegant warrior. Her beauty defies fashion trends. It emanates from a generous heart that’s housed by a resilient spirit—a framework of forged steel. She is a tower.

She stretched her arms across the Pacific and embraced a baby in Korea, brought her home, and called her “daughter.” A wild and unruly child, she nurtured her artistic soul, taught her to be gracious, and gave her the inheritance of quiet strength.

She has faced adversities—raising her daughter as a single mom, making ends meet; caring for ailing parents through cancer and Alzheimer’s disease. Yet, she has emerged stronger, not harder. From her, I have learned to embrace compassion and abandon bitterness.

This woman. A singer. A soprano. She never allowed the throes of life to extinguish her song. Her life has been her song—one that is composed and sung with grace and courage for others to admire. I am honored to be a member of her audience.

I am honored to be hers.

By Sarah Neal

Jennifer

Bold. Bright. Eye Opening. That is how I would describe my friend Jennifer. Jennifer and I met about two years ago when she inquired about my business services. Jennifer is a mixed media artist that is in love with color- and it shows in her personality. Jennifer has reintroduced me to my love of color through her work. And her personality keeps me laughing, thinking, and always inspires me to be unapologetically bold and authentic. This is my favorite picture that I’ve taken of Jennifer. This picture shows how I and many people see Jennifer full of life. I admire Jennifer. I admire her strength, her wisdom, and her bold approach to life.

By Bessie Akuba

Chris Melching

Admiration feels voyeuristic to me; I’d rather describe what I feel for Chris Melching as inspiration. It isn’t very often you find a story like ours. I was an awkward 7th grader with more passion than sense, and Melch (as we affectionately referred to her) was a high power business woman taking a sabbatical to explore the labyrinth that was California’s public education system. I had experienced other teachers who had been supportive, but Chris took support to the degree the verb would allow. She challenged us to do more, try new things and stretch beyond what we thought we could do. She provided that rare balance of love, support and the much-needed metaphorical butt whooping when needed.

As an adolescent I knew she was special and important, but didn’t realize her impact until my sophomore year she told us that she was leaving to teach in a new school district. I was deeply affected by her leaving; she had become a touchstone for me. We did our best to stay in touch, but with my going to college and her resuming a high powered sales career back in the Bay Area, our communications became less frequent but still impactful.

Our paths would reengage when I moved to the Bay Area for work. I now had perspective of just how amazing my junior high teacher really was! Chris is a shining example of following your dreams and taking risks. She has explored her career from a more perspectives than most of us would have the guts to do, all the while learning to feed her soul and making sure that she invested in herself and her family. After working in high tech for a number of years, Chris found her passion in executive coaching; the perfect blend of business and teaching. She started her own company in 1998.

In an effort to create a “give back” while doing her coaching, Chris exposed a deep need within the corporate world, which is now filled by Power Camp. She and her business partner, Lisa, host groups of professional women on a two and half day journey of personal and professional self discovery. They help them slow down, take a breath, and assess their path, all the while recharging their minds and bodies. To this day she implores the skills of being wildly supportive and loving and administering doses of tough love when needed. She truly has accomplished turning her passion into a successful and fulfilling profession.

If I had “Oprah power,” I would give every woman I know a scholarship to Power Camp. I am amazed by the strength and support that a group of women can provide one another when removed from the pressure cooker that we all seem to exist in, and at the transformations made in such a short amount of time. If I had “genie power,” I would wish every young woman a role model as inspiring and supportive as Chris.

Power Camp is a constant reminder of what Chris practices in her own life: If you take the time to invest in yourself the possibilities are infinite.

By Natalie Bering

Aunt Cathy – featured photograph

My Aunt Cathy was more of a mother to me than my own. I always knew she was an important person in my life, but until she died on January 2nd, 2009, I didn’t know just how much. She was an inspiration and a mentor- not just to me, but to everyone around her. She took people in when they needed help, donated to charities, was active in her communities, and defied the odds by having a child after doctors warned against it.

“Stubborn as hell” and “highly opinionated” are two popular phrases used to describe her. They’re very polite ways of saying she spoke her mind regularly and freely, whether it was wanted or not. It’s probably no coincidence that my family dubbed me the nickname “the truth and nothing but the truth.” I remind myself of her a lot sometimes. She taught me that being outspoken was a gift, and that being nice wasn’t as important as being honest. No one ever had to wonder what she was really thinking. You knew where you stood with her, and that’s a quality that is rare among people these days. I loved that about her, and I follow the same path. The fact is, people still went to her for help and advice because she could be counted on.

I smile when I remember so many phone conversations ending with her hanging up on me because she was annoyed with something I’d say in response to one of her many opinions. It was so easy to rile her up, I couldn’t help myself! I was never afraid to call her back right away and laugh while saying “I can’t believe you actually hung up on me!” We talked on the phone regularly, because she lived on the other side of the country in Arizona.

She moved to Arizona from Michigan, because she needed to stay close to her doctor, the famous Dr. Jack Copeland. She was diagnosed with pulmonary hypertension in her late 20s. By 29, she’d had two heart and lung transplants. She was one of the first to have that type of surgery. When I was little, I didn’t understand the gravity of the situation. I thought it was fun going to the hospital to visit her, while she waited for her transplants. She lived with us for a short time before her move to Arizona, and that was when our bond was formed. I remember feeling abandoned when she moved back out; she always gave me so much more attention than my own parents. Still, I wrote her letters and drew her pictures so she wouldn’t forget me.

When I was a teenager and young adult, my Aunt was the person I turned to for everything. Boy troubles? Broken heart? Call Aunt Cathy. She told me things like, “Always let a guy court you, you deserve it,” and, “If a guy’s not sure about you in three months, get rid of him and move on.” If I wanted to talk about who was going to be the next “American Idol,” I called Aunt Cathy. We argued about that, she loved Bo Bice, but I just knew Carrie Underwood was taking it home. She never treated me like a kid, she always talked to me as though we were on the same level, and even talked about her own relationship issues. She understood me better than anyone, I think. Once I watched this Lifetime movie “Odd Girl Out” about a teenager going through depression while dealing with being a social outcast in high school. I called my aunt and left her a message to watch the movie when it came on again, and she called me later and asked, “Did you want me to watch that because it reminded you of yourself?” I hadn’t given it that much thought, but when she asked me that I realized it was true. She knew me better than I knew myself.

When I was unsure what to do about school, and I was feeling low and going through a lot of troubles at home, my Aunt Cathy told me to move out to Arizona with her. She said I could go to her local college where she had gone for her nursing degree, but I was too afraid to move. I still wish I had taken her up on that, so I could have spent more time with her.

In the summer of 2008, she flew out to Michigan for my brother’s graduation party. Our visit was cut short when she got sick with a flu, and had to be flown back to Arizona with a ventilator. When she told me that she was still in the hospital after several weeks, and needed another transplant, it didn’t register. She told me she didn’t want me to visit her in the hospital because she didn’t want me to remember her that way. She wanted me to keep the image of her that I had.

In our last conversation, she told me I was her ray of sunshine. She said she knew I would do great things and that she wanted the best for me. She wasn’t able to talk anymore after that, and it became hard just for her to breathe. Two months later, she asked to be taken off of life support. I couldn’t believe her decision, I remember being so upset that I didn’t see her and that she wasn’t thinking of me before she went. I was so selfish. It didn’t register that she had been waiting and sick for six months before making that decision. She didn’t have a donor, and she was low on the list because she was such a high-risk case. She held on for a long time, because of her strength. She had always been a survivor.

Although it’s been almost three years since she passed, I think about her every week, talk about her every chance I get, and use her words to guide me when I feel lost. I often think to myself, “What would Aunt Cathy have to say about this?” I like to think because I knew her so well, I know the answer, and it helps me to feel like she’s still here.

By Bridget Hempton

My Mother

As a photographer myself, I am always interested in photographing people, especially those whom inspire me. When I heard about this project, I was intrigued and knew instantly the woman I wanted to photograph and admire the most in this world; my mom. Although I was sure I wanted to take her picture, I had no idea how I could represent this woman in one image who means so much to me. The thought had been in my head for weeks, and I knew the right moment would come.

My mom came to visit me in London where I live, and we attended the Frieze Art Fair together- something I had been looking forward to for months. We are both on new journeys in our lives, and this trip was one that marked the beginning for both of us and our newfound sense of freedom. As we walked around the fair together, taking in the spectacle, art and ambience of the place, we were drawn into one booth in particular. There was a work of art on the wall, displayed as a mirror with text written across it. When we approached the work our reflection looked back at us, and mirrored our own picture. This was the moment I had been waiting for. I snapped our photograph, as mother and daughter looking at ourselves and each other through this mirror, and the lens of the camera. Without trying, the word FREE lined up perfectly across our faces, and the text connecting us literally eye to eye. We were both in awe as freedom had been a constant conversation and theme to our week together. We created art together, from another work of art, unintentionally but subconsciously the moment was there.

Someone once told me when you admire someone it is actually a reflection of yourself they are projecting back to you. My mom is the woman I admire, respect, cherish and am inspired by every day, and our reflection together in this image is a mirror of the woman I aspire to be. She is strong, caring, intelligent, adventurous, beautiful, healthy, free, honest and most of all, true to herself. This photograph reflects both literally, and metaphorically the qualities I admire in my mom, and captures the essence of our connection together, and the freedom we share. We are mirroring back through our reflection an eternal love and bond, looking at ourselves individually and together.

By Jessie Chaney

Robin Davis

Robin Davis was my fourth and fifth grade teacher. She loves and inspires every student she encounters. When I first met her I was ten years old, coming to a new school, and like most new students, I was shy. She was the one who helped me come out of my shell and encouraged me to take a step out of my comfort zone. I hope to be as caring and thoughtful as her.

One thing that I admire about her is how enthusiastic about life and people she is. Ms. Davis was such a special teacher to me because while she kept everything in order and was in charge of the class, she was also a friend to us students and I think that is an important quality in a teacher and person.

It is always comforting to have a relationship with someone you trust outside of your family that you are able to talk to about things. I was able to talk to her about things that I may have had more difficulty talking to my parents about, and she helped me feel brave. She helped me feel like a leader, and taught me how to find my voice in difficult situations with others.

People can really rush around and make you feel like they are there, but not REALLY be there for you. Their body is there, but their mind is someplace else. Ms. Davis never let us feel like that. Somehow I felt like she gave me undivided attention, even though I know the life of a teacher is very, very busy.

Teachers can really make or break a student’s spirit, and Ms. Davis let all of us shine. She saw our best qualities, even on our worst days. She made me feel unique and special, and I chose Ms. Davis for this photography project because I really want her to know how unique and special SHE is.

Thank you, Ms. Davis, for being an amazing teacher, person and friend.

By Sierra Repp, Age 11