Those Two Dreaded Words Every Single Person Despises

10.13.12 Love

Those Two Dreaded Words Every Single Person Despises

BY Laura B

I am a 31-year-old woman. I have gained success in my career and I have a wonderful circle of friends and family. I’m in good health, adventurous, well travelled and intelligent. I have learned about myself, my good and not so good points, and I like myself. I am funny, witty and a social butterfly. I must say, I’m pretty great! So, why do two harmless little words send me reeling with fear and make me question myself? Those two words…“AND GUEST.”

My cousin and his wife will soon celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary. We’re a close family, so we meet up on these joyous occasions and celebrate with food, drink, music and lots of fun. I received my invite recently, and there were those words… “To Laura… and guest.”

Having been ceremoniously dumped earlier this year (ask me, I’ll be happy to tell you the tragic tale) I have been flying solo and enjoying my single status. I date, I socialise and I like it. However, being single and 31 at these events sends a specific fear through me. It’s a similar feeling I get when I log onto facebook and see another old-school friend is pregnant or getting married while my life doesn’t so obviously grow. I hear that clock ticking in the background; it’s getting louder.

Over the past few years my friends have married and had babies and I’ve been ecstatic for them. I have happily watched them exchange vows and flourish in pregnancy. But, there has been a tiny little part of me that feels sad; it whispers, “Why not me? Why have I not worn that white dress? Why has my belly not bloomed with a growing baby inside?” The words “and guest” remind me that it hasn’t been me. While everyone else around me has been through these life experiences, at the times we’re all expected to go through them, I have not. Why not?

After much thinking, I don’t have an answer. I know a catch, but I can’t speculate on things I don’t know. I don’t know if I’ll get married or have children. I want to, but it’s not happening right now. Society’s ideals say, that I SHOULD be going through these experiences now. But honestly, “society’s ideals” and “should” are the words I need to fear. Not “and guest.”

In my quest to fill the “and guest” void, I decided to seek council from a friend in a similar predicament. We spoke frankly about being single at our age. It’s hard and sometimes lonely. She told me how she’d booked a hotel on her own for a similar function, and commented that it was liberating. I thought about her choice of word, liberating. Feeling free from restrictions. I made a choice to be free. “And guest” can’t scare me, nor can another’s relationship, life or facebook statuses, and nor will society’s ideals. I know that attending my family function alone, I’ll have a perfect weekend.

My friend is right, going to these events and appreciating who I am, rather than being frightened by what I do not have, is liberating. Being free from my self-nagging doubts and denying those social restraints, allows me to have a lovely time. Maybe one day I’ll have an “and guest,” and maybe I won’t. Either way, I know I am still pretty great.

Laura B works for a mental health charity running a well-being centre and self-help support groups in Swansea. In her spare time she enjoys knitting, sewing, writing, blogging, reading and all things crafty and creative, as well as spending time with my beautiful family and friends and having adventures. You can find her on twitter @laurasbubble chatting about feminism, mental health issues and all things her and you can read her blog honestlittleme.blog.co.uk to keep up to date with heradventures and shenanigans!

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Comments

Xandor

This is like the story of my life, except I’m a guy. Lol. I’m gay, and most of my straight friends are coupled up and here I am going out with them alone. I end up being the camera man or the one who’s quiet and just listening to them.
Although I’m happy for them, I just can’t erase the words in my head: “what about me?” Until now I still don’t know the answer.
- Laura B
  
  It’s a bad feeling, but it can be overcome! By knowing we’re pretty great people. Big love xxx
http://www.ramousarr.com/ Ramou Sarr

Yup, to all of this. The worst is feeling like you have to explain yourself. Last night I met up with some old friends and was asked if I had a boyfriend. Instead of the typical, “No, but (X reason why – too busy, all the guys here are too short, it’s just not important to me right now),” I fake cried. Nailed it.
- Laura B
  
  Genius! I’ll try it – socially awkward situations! X
sarah

I feel like I’m struggling lately with this. I’m in a relationship with a man that I adore but he is often absent. I’ve started trying to embrace doing things for myself and being a strong independent woman, but there are times when I just want someone to give me a hug and buy me flowers. Is it a conscious decision you make to say – I am responsible for my own happiness and refuse to rely on another person? Do you ever feel like you’re giving up hope at all by having this attitude? That’s my struggle – feeling liberated without feeling lonely…
- Laura B
  
  People in relationships often feel lonely, I think it’s a very natural emotion that we all have to battle. And I would never give up hope on anything – but what I make sure I do is be happy for myself. Knowing that flowers I buy for myself are just as pretty as flowers bought for me… In fact, prettier… As I have decided I wanted flowers and bought them. Being happy is something you have to be inside yourself, a partner is just there to enhance your positive side xx
sheagirl

Go alone!! I used to worry about these things too when I was single, and then one day I realized there’s one thing worse than going to an event by yourself…. Going with someone you don’t like. Ugh, that is WAY worse. So I started enjoying going alone because it meant that I wasn’t dating “the wrong person” or babysitting a “boring date” just so I had someone next to me. And guess what happens when you go on your own… You are THAT much more likely to meet someone! Or to remind people that they should set you up!
- Laura B
  
  I will 100% be going alone – you get to meet more people that way!
Cj

I have the same predicament; I enjoy my independence, buying my own flowers, breakfast at a cafe, the luxury of being solo…but I am 44. I am fun, intelligent, successful, travelled yet I long for my intimate other; a shared smile, holding hands, a quick phone call in the day. And why am I single? At first it was me just being busy and living life, then I looked up and realized everyone was partnered and now… I’m too used of my solitary life, I don’t know how to ‘do’ meeting new people. All my activities are fun yet solitary… Don’t look up too late!
zoe

I am 44 as well. And it’s been a while I ve not been with someone on a boyfriend-girlfriend established status. I’ve been year after year the one supposedly temporary single. And friends don’t understand why i am single… Me neither. Of course i am independant and aspire to true love rather than accomodating to somebody just for the sake of it. These days as I am thinking sometimes it may never happen, couple. children. family. there is only one thing i’m sure. Age is not the point. when I was 27 I thought I was too old, let alone 37, let alone 44.. we ‘re still young!:), this is in the head, and everything is possible..