A Great Date Doesn’t Have To Be Perfect- Sometimes It Can Be Perfectly Awkward

09.06.12 Love

A Great Date Doesn’t Have To Be Perfect- Sometimes It Can Be Perfectly Awkward

BY Natalie Lynn Borton

In dating, there are certain things that are red flags, and there are certain things that just need figuring out. I think those of us who have a idealist mindset tend to give up too quickly, passing up quality guys in favor of finding someone that everything is perfect with. To those of you who are still single, I want to challenge you to change it up. If you see a red flag, by all means it’s time to move on. But if awkwardness or a not-quite-perfect-fit is the issue with a guy who has good character and a loving heart, wait it out. There’s still a chance that he’s not the right one for you, or he might end up being the one you spend your life with.

My first date with my husband Brian was an accidental one. We had gone hiking all day with friends, and agreed that all of us would reconvene at 10:30pm to watch Slumdog Millionaire since nobody had seen it yet. With a usual bedtime of 10pm, I knew I wouldn’t make it until the movie night if I just went home, so I asked around to see if anyone was free to hang out.

One by one, each of my friends told me they would love to, but they already had plans. When I turned to Brian, though, he said, “Well, we’ve got to eat dinner, right?” Casually and coolly, he sort of asked me out on our first date—and I was definitely not complaining. Although I’d only had a crush on him for about 24 hours at the time, I was glad to have a chance to get to know him better.

We decided on a local sushi spot, and ordered tons of food that we didn’t end up eating. In the excitement of the new access to one another’s lives, we totally lost our appetites and fed instead on the joy of a potential new relationship.

While I seem to be setting the scene for an adorable romantic comedy, I assure you that was not the trajectory that followed. Fast forward one week and Brian asked me out on our second date—this time it was a real one. He made reservations at an expensive restaurant and it was clear this was a date. We both had high hopes after our sushi night, but they were quickly deflated.

He didn’t talk enough. I talked too much. The food was bad. We weren’t being ourselves. We tried to go to coffee afterward, but it was closed. We took a walk by the beach, but it started to rain. Nothing was going right, and when I got home I told my roommate that as kind as he was, we would likely remain just friends.

Our next date was a little better, though nothing to write home about. It was still fairly awkward, and not the fairy tale situation one would imagine when they think about dating the person they’ll eventually marry. You may be wondering: How (and why) did it all work out? Why didn’t you move on and wait for the sparks to fly with someone else? The answer to both of those questions is simple: Brian was someone worth figuring it out with.

Sure, our first few dates were pretty awkward and less-than-magical, but I knew the kind of person Brian was. I had seen the way he interacted with others, always treating them with kindness and respect. I knew we shared the same beliefs, and that he was a man of good character. Also, he was very tall (sort of kidding, sort of not).

Take it from me and give the nice guys a chance.

Natalie is a lover of the written word, avocados, beach picnics and champagne. She lives in San Diego with her hilarious and charming husband Brian and scruffy puppy Maggie, and is a Managing Editor for Darling Magazine. You can find her blogging at Thoughts by Natalie, or follow her on Twitter at @natalieborton.

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Comments

Candace Hammond

I love this. I have been a bad chooser for a while. Since my divorce I’ve dated several men who on paper were cool, interesting smart… but they weren’t nice to me! Then, another guy came along. SO not my type,in so many ways – friend zone I thought, but like you, I saw how he treated others, including the kind of dad he was. He cared for the people he cared about. We;ve been together for about eight months now and I am now one of the ones he cares about and it’s wonderful.
Yes, do give the nice guys a chance
- http://natalieborton.com/ Natalie Lynn Borton
  
  Your story makes me so happy! I’m glad to hear you gave him a chance and that it’s working out
Bridget

I agree with this to a point, but reading this also made me realize that….had I stayed with the “nice guy” in the first place, I would never have come across the person I’m with today who definitely had several red flags at first, but after the chances I gave him (more than most people would), he became the nicest of them all, and comes WITH the sparks. We’ll be getting married next year, and I can tell you, I can’t imagine being with anyone else. He didn’t fit at first either, for different reasons, but I honestly think that now we have the kind of relationship that makes storybooks jealous. Maybe they aren’t always the “nice guy” at first, but it doesn’t mean they never will be. I saw the potential, I stuck with it, and I’m glad I did, despite what most relationship-guides might have told me.
- http://thoughtsbynatalie.com/ Natalie Lynn Borton
  
  You make a great point, which I didn’t say explicitly but is 100% the same idea—it’s important to give guys the chance to show who they are. We are so quick to make a snap judgement based on a few dates or encounters, but that doesn’t usually show us the real person. It takes time to know someone and understand why they act the way they do. Thanks for sharing that! I’m glad you found your love
- Nia
  
  I hope this doesn’t seem like too personal a question but what were the red flags for you? Because I do believe deal breakers are important, but of course those are individual and personal to everyone. Do you mind sharing?
- Bridget
  
  For me, the red flag was porn, and an online private life. When I was younger, I didn’t care about that stuff, but for some reason with this guy, it really bothered me that he had his own collection of both porn, and internet girl “friends”, and kept it hidden from me. When I made it clear I was not okay with it (as most women would), he resorted to just lying about it instead, but after many months of realizing how and why it was hurting me, and after a couples therapy visit, he finally gave it up. I was the first girlfriend of his to find out and hold him accountable, and he says it was the eye opener he needed to grow up and stop being a selfish person. Normally, I don’t buy into people doing 180′s after a life of bad habits, but he is visibly a completely different person than he was, and told me he now has the attitude of “If you wouldn’t approve of it, I shouldn’t be doing it”. We have been together 2 years now, and I don’t have doubts, but every person is different. It’s hard to tell which men deserve that kind of second chance.
- http://thoughtsbynatalie.com/ Natalie Lynn Borton
  
  What a powerful story—I love that you held him accountable and also were willing to stick it out for a bit to help him overcome his bad habits. I am a big believer in second chances, too!
Megan G

I love this because I wish people would talk about these aspects of relationships more…there are a lot of raw, unromantic moments but they are beautiful moments in their own way. I had the same experiences with my boyfriend. When we met, he was shy (and I probably talked too much) and it took us a while to warm up to each other. But he was sweet and made me laugh and I knew I wanted to see him again. It’s now the best relationship I’ve ever had.
- http://thoughtsbynatalie.com/ Natalie Lynn Borton
  
  I’m glad to hear that!