Losing My Identity, Reinventing Myself

BY Kim Jackson Reeves

Working in television was always my dream, but for the past couple of years, it has become a bit of a nightmare.

My dream began when I interned at MTV at age 22. Over the next eight years at the company, I worked my way up from Production Assistant to Producer. Fulfilling the desire to spread my wings, I left the company at age 30 and since have been producing under my own production company. Now, I’m 39 and CRAVING a career change.

If I’m really honest with myself, the reason behind the need for a change is because although I’m really great at what I do – my heart just isn’t in it anymore. I don’t want to sit in a dark edit room for 36 hours arguing with an editor to make the smallest of changes from the network, I don’t want to lose my shit when my first scheduled interview of the day is 45 minutes late, I don’t want to worry about how not being able to afford that Oprah clip will affect the show. What I do want is to be inspired again, to not allow my work to be EVERYTHING and to contribute something beautiful to the world. I don’t think that’s too much to ask – do you?

After much consideration and contemplation, I’ve decided to study floral design at the NY Botanical Garden. Sure, floral design might seem like an odd choice, but for me it made perfect sense. Not only will it still allow me to be creative and evoke an emotional response with my work, but instead of my end product being an entertainment news piece or a one-off special that practically no one will watch, my end product will be a thing of beauty that enhances its environment and makes people happy. And, instead of going back to school for God knows how long, the certificate program that I’m pursuing is relatively short and can be completed on my own schedule.

Speaking of schedule, I just completed my fifth floral design class and have been thinking about beginning my internship in the New York City flower district. I can’t believe at my age I’m starting over again. What if I made the wrong career choice? What if I fail? Will people like my designs? How will I ever remember the botanical names of every flower? Will I be able to cope with the major decrease in salary?

But in the face of all my fear and doubt – I do believe that I can do it.

The main struggle for me has been my identity and how that’s always been wrapped up in being a “producer”. If I’m no longer a producer, what am I? Of course I know that I shouldn’t identify myself with WHAT I am, but WHO I am, but it’s difficult to practice.

Everyone in my life from my friends to my husband was comfortable with me being a producer. It was how they identified me and identified themselves, in relation to me. My husband always bragged in the past about how his wife was a producer and quite frankly, I’ve always been excited to answer, “What do you do?” when meeting people because I was so proud of what I did for a living. It was the coolest job ever. But what I needed to learn was that I was much more than what I did for a living. I was and remain a strong, intelligent, sensitive woman who also happens to be a loving wife, daughter, sister, aunt and friend.

Those were the roles that defined me. And as a result of this realization, my priorities shifted. What used to thrill me – creating television at the cost of my relationships, my health and sanity – became silly. I wanted sleep. I wanted to be healthy both psychically and mentally. I wanted to spend time with my husband, family and friends and be truly present. I wanted to achieve balance. And at the end of the day, I listened to my inner voice and did not allow myself to become swayed by other people’s opinions and expectations of what my life should be. I was the only one living it, after all.

And don’t get me wrong – I haven’t gone in with blinders on. I understand that just because I change careers it doesn’t mean that I will be magically transported to a world where stress, hard work and long hours don’t exist. I am fully prepared to put in the effort, but hopefully once I complete the Floral Design certificate program, I will kick off this new career with a renewed spirit and drive, much like I had when I was 22.

That girl had no doubt in her mind about what she wanted to do with her life and she made it happen. Maybe after experience replaces naiveté, doubt creeps in because you know you’re not always in control.

If I could say anything to my 22 year-old-self, it would be follow your heart and don’t panic if that eventually leads you away from television. Dreams can always be redesigned.

Whether I succeed or fail as a Floral Designer, my story has a happy ending because throughout this process of losing my identity, I found something I wasn’t expecting to find. Myself.

Featured image via

Producing television was my passion until I decided to pursue a second career in floral design. If I’m not in class at the New York Botanical Garden or writing for A&E Biography, you’ll find me cycling in the green mountains of Vermont, walking on the beach with my dog, Lucy or on my couch hogging the remote from my understanding husband. For me, life’s all about balance.

More From Kim Jackson Reeves view all

Beach, Breasts, Bikini

Comments

Megan

Kim,

Your post has me in tears! I’m currently 22yo working in television, starting at the bottom working my way up. I’ve always dreamt of working in TV and now I am! But even at this point I have realized that , I can’t define it as a passion anymore. Thank you for having the courage to stand up…for yourself. And thank you for allowing me to see that it’s okay to walk away from television if that’s not igniting the fire inside me anymore.

And I will try not to panic in the process even if my parents do

Thank you!
- Kim Jackson Reeves
  
  Hey, Megan! Thanks for the response. It means a lot to know that I’ve reached someone.
  
  This is the time to be excited and proud of yourself that you’re following your dreams!
  
  I can’t stress enough how important it is to pay attention to the voice inside us, which it sounds like you already do. And at such a young age, I commend you! As long as you keep it up – you’ll find your way. If your path leads you away from TV – it’s MORE than okay. As for your parents – keep them in the loop as your professional journey unfolds and they won’t panic.
  
  In the meantime, enjoy logging, running errands and being a part of an amazing industry!
Gwen

Kim,
Thank you so much for your post. I can completely relate to the you at 22 years old — I work in TV, and find that a lot of my colleagues are in the ‘rat race’ to get to that next place, and panic mode has really set in. I need to stop myself sometimes to remember to appreciate the ride. I’m curious, would you have done anything different in terms of your career?
All the best with your big life shift! You go girl!!

xo Gwen
- Kim Jackson Reeves
  
  Gwen, thanks so much!
  
  YES – appreciate the ride. I couldn’t have said it better myself.
  
  I guess any industry can be a rat race, but only if we let it, right? Working up the ladder and achieving professional goals is fantastic, but as long as we keep things in perspective, which is so difficult sometimes. Sounds like you’re on the right path, though.
  
  Hmmm, interesting question. Looking back on my career, I don’t think I would have done anything differently. And that includes the mistakes as well. All the good, bad and the ugly led me to this place. And although this place I’m at right now is uncertain…I’m excited to see what my future brings.
  
  I hope you get as much out of working in TV as I did.
  
  All the best to you, Gwen
Laura

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am 23, thought I wanted to work in PR but after doing that for the past year I’ve realized it’s totally wrong for me. I love writing scripts and articles, it is so much more fulfilling to me than anything I’ve ever done at my old job. I realized that I would never feel I was making a positive contribution to the world. Often we find ourselves being defined by a career and see it as a role we must continue to play in our lives.

Best of luck to you! My aunt is a florist and it brings a lot of happiness into peoples’ lives.
- Kim Jackson Reeves
  
  You’re so welcome, Laura!
  
  It’s good that you’re listening to your inner voice. It will always guide you in the right direction.
  
  Why don’t you try submitting a story to this site? It’s been a wonderful experience so far for me. I’m sure you have a lot to share and others might benefit.
  
  Exactly! That’s what I’m hoping for – to bring beauty and happiness to people’s lives.
  
  Thanks so much and all the best to you!
Brigdunne

Beautifully written Kim! Enjoy this new part of your life journey. I think your words, choices and your decision to listen to your inner voice, will Inspire others in all career fields. Can’t wait to see one of your designs!!
- Kim Jackson Reeves
  
  Thanks, Brig!!!
Rachelle

Kim,
I just wanted to thank you for giving a voice to the feelings I have had for the last couple of years. I’ve been working in TV for the last 6 years – From getting dinners, to logging to music cues, wardrobe malfunctions, getting yelled at for walking too slowly and finally associate producing – nothing has ever been what I thought it was going to be.

I have finally decided to listen to my inner voice, and will be pursuing my masters in film theory with the intent to teach film in college. It is definitely scary to leave something I have known for awhile, but in my heart I know that I am making the right decision.

You are brave for following your inner voice and sharing it with all of us. Reading your story really helped focus everything into perspective for me and inspired me to dig deep and listen.

Good Luck with all your future floral endeavors. Again thank you for sharing!
- Kim Jackson Reeves
  
  Hey, Rachelle! Thanks so much for the feedback and for sharing your story with me. It’s so comforting to know someone like yourself is experiencing similar challenges.
  
  Isn’t it interesting how long it takes us to really listen, when we’ve had the feelings for a while? That’s why what we are BOTH doing is brave. Here’s to you, leaving the familiar behind and opening yourself up to the possibilities of life! Making this life change is just the beginning. Listening to your inner voice will get easier and easier.I wish you the very best in your future in film
Liz

Hi Kim,

I came across your post after googling ‘career change from TV production’, and I just wanted to say thank you! I am 28, have worked in TV for 5 years, and have been thinking about changing careers for about a year now.

One of my biggest hurdles at the moment is the knowledge that for many people, what I do is the perfect job. I know that if I announce a career change now, my friends and some of my family will think I’m crazy- after all, people are literally queuing up to do what I currently do. I am worried that it’s almost… ungrateful to give it up.

Like you, my identity is also very wrapped up in my job in TV. I totally identify with what you said about loving telling people what you do, and I love that my husband and family are so proud to tell people what I do. I’m a bit ashamed to admit that, because it sounds so shallow- but this is actually one of the main things that’s stopping me taking the plunge!

So thank you for putting that in writing, because it makes me feel like maybe it’s not such a silly reason after all.

I hope your new career is going well!